by Brother Kim
Modern society is in many places characterized by a break down of the
family. The percentage of divorces has grown to enormous levels with the result
that many common people are left behind in loneliness after having been thrown
out or left by a partner. As a consequence multitudes of children grow up
without the necessary time together with their own father or mother. The causes
are several, but the most important is probably the lack of understanding of
the obligation towards one's spouse, who has invested his or her life in the
marriage due to the promise of the partner. Another is relational problems in
the married life due to the spirit of the times, which stir to power struggles
between the sexes. A third is the loose sexuality moral of the new wild west.
Although sexuality in our time primarily is perceived
as the function of the body, the partition of mankind into two distinct genders
has a much broader perspective. That gender differences is a significant matter
might easily be deducted from the fact that it is mentioned as the second
statements about the nature of man in the creation narrative of the Holy
Scriptures of the Bible:
So God created man in his own image. In
the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis
1:27).
The first point that man is created in the image of God has been
explained in several ways, but I believe that it means that human beings are
persons. For the Creator is not an impersonal power, but the personal God, from
whom man and woman have their personality. But the second statement about
gender distinction must indeed also be given attention. As one of the first
things to be affirmed by the Holy Scriptures of the Bible is obviously that men
and women equally are made in the image of God. However, one should watch out
for the danger of projecting the sexual aspect of humanity, which is
characterized by the body, into our view of God. That God excessively is
characterized with masculine features in the Holy Scriptures of the Bible is
not a cultural phenomenon. It indeed refers to his masculine nature. But since
God is dissimilar from human beings, it is of course unthinkable to
characterize God as male. For the same reason it is indeed blasphemy to
characterize God as female, even though God surely contains certain feminine
traits in his being. In the over all God therefore contains both the masculine
and feminine features, which is the spiritual counterpart of the gender
identification of the human body as male and female.
Gender differences
It is therefore a valid motion that
society occasionally might want to emphasize the sameness and occasionally the
distinction of the male and female genders. For man and woman are equally made
in the image of God, but also with distinct gender. The more healthy feminist
movement of the nineteenth century presented the good qualities of women as
strong, capable and intelligent and won the right for women to vote along with
men (James D. Mallory, Ending the Battle of the Sexes, Leichester, England:
Crossway Books 1996, 49). Historically, a lot of unhealthy discrimination has
indeed been ascribed to gender distinctions. However, a full unisex belief,
which denies any distinction, is bound to spoil God's concept for human life.
For somehow man and woman have been made differently for a purpose, which goes
far beyond procreation.
Therefore, we have to investigate the factors, which shape the gender differences. We might not be able to discover much gender difference as inherent in human nature. According to scientific research, body differences and hormones count for very little distinction between the nature of the two genders (See E. M. Pattison, Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology edited by David G. Benner, Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House 1985), S. v. "Gender identity"). Much subjectivity is involved. For even the feeling of identity and the behavior, which is appropriate for each gender, is surely for a great degree learned behavior. But there must surely be a masculine behavior, which is more suitable for males, and a feminine behavior, which is more suitable for females. For it is indeed an important aspect of human life to be appreciated by the opposite gender.
Gender identification
How shall we then account for the gender differences? The most basic aspect of the gender development is the gender identification, which is normally done by the parents. A child must be identified correctly as a male or female child and treated accordingly. A child should develop proper gender identification within three years to grow up normally. False identification can produce severe harmful effects and be very hard to reverse at a later stage in life (False gender identification could be caused by an abnormal development of the child as a fetus due to hormonal dysfunction or it can be due to parental psychological disturbance (S. L. Jones, Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology edited by David G. Benner, Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House 1985, S. v. "Sexuality - Psychological Perspectives"). What a child is taught by its caretakers is to a great degree due to the gender identification, and what it learns is to a high degree due to its gender consciousness. There is no standard pattern, but a masculine or feminine behavior is picked up based upon the child's significant relationships with persons of the same sex and persons of the opposite sex. And some gender roles, which should not be confused with adult sexuality, are already learned at an early stage in life.
Generally, small children are
attended by the mothers, and therefore develop their gender consciousness in
relation to her. Girls naturally connect with the mother, who is of the same
sex, and develop strong relational skills. It is good for females. For in the
adult life this quality will greatly strengthen their relational role in the
family. But boys to some degree have to separate themselves from their mothers,
who are of the opposite sex. In seeking away from their mother the boys become
emotionally independent and more explorative, and less personal in their
nature. Naturally, girls tend to have their strength in relationships, fearing
being disconnected, but boys in individuation, fearing too much intimacy (James
D. Mallory, Ending the Battle of the Sexes, Leichester, England: Crossway Books
1996, 59-60).
However, there is a condition for a boy to possess the
strength to be able to separate himself from his mother and develop his
masculine character. A boy needs to identify with a good masculine role model,
which normally ought to be his father. For if there are no male models, boys
have no alternatives but identifying with their mothers and consequently pick
up feminine behavior and values. This is not necessarily catastrophic. For since
masculine and feminine gender characterized behavior is different from the
sexuality of the body, a male could never be changed into a female, or a female
into a male. But too much identification with his mother could create troubles
for a boy at a later stage in life. It has been discovered that boys with
absent fathers (Absence of a man in the home might be due to death, divorce and
the allocation of too little time for his family), who have had a prolonged
unhealthy intimate closeness with their mothers might develop pre-puberty
gender identity disorder, which untreated later might turn into homosexuality
(G. A. Rekers, Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology edited by David G. Benner,
Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House 1985, S. v. "Gender Identity Disorder
of Childhood"). Another unpleasant experience might follow a deeply felt
absence of a father in a boy's life. When this boy in adult age suddenly meets
a man, who in one way or another happens to fulfill this unmet need, and love
is born for that person, it can mistakenly been taken up as homosexual
feelings. But in reality it has nothing to do with sex. It is therefore far
better for a boy to learn from his father to mature and be able to function as
a man at a later stage of their life. A boy learns to be a man by imitating his
father, even his father's sexually oriented behavior towards his mother. The
presence of a loving father, who the boy can connect to, is therefore necessary
for a boy to be able to slowly grow out of the childish emotional attachment to
his mother.
Concerning a girls need for her father, it is somehow
different. Girls need a close relationship with their own father to learn to
relate correctly to the opposite sex. It requires such trust, which a daughter
only could have to her own father in a natural way. A deep loss of a father
could in the worst case scenario be sought met through an unhealthy hunger for
the opposite sex, when the girl later grows up as a woman. If a mother on the
contrary because of the absence of a man takes upon herself too much of the
role of a father in the home, it might somehow disturb the girl's perception of
what is correct masculine and feminine identity and behavior (Because the
absence of a father is far more common than a mother's, this issue is treated
in many details. But children's need for a present and loving mother in the
home might indeed be even more important). And women, who develop an excessive
masculine character, slowly looses the natural attraction of the opposite sex,
which is far more important than the apparent sexual radiation of the body.
Gender esteem
Gender identification and gender consciousness is
indeed a serious concern in life. Therefore, what is generally taught about the
need to develop a healthy self-esteem, applies even more to the issue of gender
consciousness. A child needs to develop a wholesome attitude about its own
gender as a part of its total identity. A boy needs to develop a wholesome
attitude about himself as a male, and a girl needs to develop a wholesome attitude
about herself as a female. For this to happen normally, a child needs both
adult role models and affirmation in its masculine or feminine behavior. It
should actually be a thing of common sense, if it were not for the war of
sexes. For aggressive behavior and critical statements about the opposite
gender is more than common among men and women. When the war of sexes are
passed on to the children from their parents through indulgent criticism of the
opposite gender, the child's greatest hope in life of a loving marital
relationship with its future partner is already half spoiled. For how can
marital fellowship and intimacy be cultivated, if it has to happen within an
atmosphere of disrespect for one another's sexes? Only the raw sexuality will
be left. And the leftover bodily sexuality is bound to be unfulfilling without
the opportunity for being truly and intimately connected with each another.
Therefore, both male chauvinism and feminism in their self-assertion and
diminishing attitude towards the value of the other gender might bring almost
irreparable damage to human life. Since man and woman both are made in the
image of God, it is almost as serious as blasphemy to disrespect each other's
genders.
It should therefore not be surprising to anybody that
a boy child's attitude towards his own gender could be greatly hurt by critical
statements about masculinity from his mother. Undue criticism can indeed take
several forms. Discouragement and loss of self-esteem can follow critical
remarks concerning concrete masculine behavior of a boy, critique of the father
and manhood in general. If such undue critique is accompanied by a poor
masculine role model, a boy will almost certainly enter crippled into the adult
life. The same can of course happen in the case of girls, when a father puts
down their feminine behavior, their mother or the female gender in general. In
such case the positive development of the girl as a woman will depend in excess
on the quality of the mother as a female role model. Finally, it should not be
forgotten that serious damage of the gender esteem might come from demeaning
personal remarks of a parent of the same sex, who has a poor attitude about his
or her own gender.
What is therefore needed is that men
and women respect each other's genders, so that each child - boy or girl - can
develop a wholesome self-esteem concerning its own gender. A mutual respect
must be the basic attitude, which, however, does not set aside the need to make
good and bad gender performance subject to evaluation. But another condition
for such corrections is a proper understanding and appreciation of the
complimentary nature of man and woman. In stead of putting down gender
differences, a good understanding of each other would greatly help the
relationship between the opposite sexes. The complementary nature of man and
woman are indeed an important factor in human society. Paul Tournier says that
without woman the society of man would remain abstract, technical and
impersonal. It is from women that man can acquire a feeling for persons (Paul
Tournier, The Meaning of Persons translated by Edwin Hudson, Sussex, GB:
Bookprint Limited 1957, No page).
Mallory adds the necessary appreciation for the masculine contribution
by saying that it is the masculine drive, which builds a great civilization,
but that it is the female influence, which shapes it into a pleasant society
(James D. Mallory, Ending the Battle of the Sexes Leichester, England: Crossway
Books 1996, 55).
Sexual maturing
Since sexuality is closely related to gender
consciousness its root starts developing at an early stage in life. But the
physical side of sexuality only develops in the puberty age of the early teens
in connection with the development of the sexual organs of the body (a little
earlier for girls than for boys). Naturally, because of the growing sexual
attraction towards the opposite sex, it becomes opportune to develop some more
particular masculine and feminine behavior. But since it is impossible to rely
on simple instincts without guidance, some proper sexual education indeed
becomes urgent at this point in time. This is a matter for parents, the church
and the public school. But due to excessive timidity about sexual matters the
responsible parts have often withdrawn from accomplishing this duty. It is,
however, harmful to leave sex education to the back street talk. For the
sexually developing children will have to gather their information on sexuality
from one source or another.
Firstly, it is important that teenagers learn to
distinguish properly between love and desire. It is necessary that they know
about the cause of pregnancy and the responsibility, which is involved with
giving birth to children. Therefore, discipline is required in keeping within
the limitations of premarital relationships. It is not only a matter of
avoiding pregnancy (and sexually transmitted diseases) by the use of various
means of contraception. The right time and the right place of mature sexual
expression is the married life. Therefore, all forms of premarital nakedness
with each other cannot be permitted. For a marriage counts for much wider range
of blessings than casual sexual experiences. The marital exclusiveness is
indeed a protective shield for both spouses and the children, which are the
natural product of the union. It is for such reasons that sexual immorality is
discarded as a way of God according to the Holy Scriptures of the Bible (Acts
15:29b).
The moral problem of masturbation of young singles has
due to misinterpretation of the story of Juda's son Onan been greatly
exaggerated by the historical Christian community (Genesis 38:8-10). Onan had
been obliged to marry the wife of his dead brother according to a Hebrew family
duty codex to produce offspring for his brother. But he withdrew from his wife,
before semen could flow to her and make her pregnant (It is of course not an
efficient way of contraception, since it is now known that small portions of
semen can flow out even at the beginning of intercourse). Therefore, this story
has absolutely nothing to do with masturbation and the spilling of sperm in
general. The wickedness of Onan in the Lord's eyes was that he refused to
produce offspring for his dead brother. For one man produces sperm in such
excess that it might if possible populate the whole earth. The real problem of
masturbation is rather the potential development of an unhealthy direction of
the growing sexual attraction towards the other gender.
Therefore, the growing sexual drive cannot be kept
under control simply by aggressive attitudes towards masturbation. In fact an
insecure child or teenager could easily be confused about the rightfulness of
developing as a sexual being. Human sexuality is God's gift in the creation. It
is not the result of man's fall and separation from God. Even the Law of Moses
provided regulations concerning nightly emission of semen as a natural thing
(Leviticus 15:16-19). It is stated that emission creates a certain uncleanness,
and that afterwards bathing of the whole body is required. However, the same is
said concerning sexual intercourse of a man and a woman, and concerning the
monthly period of a woman. The Law constitutes austere cleanliness in matters
of bodily outflow. If self-satisfaction is totally oppressed, it might either
destroy the sexuality or pressure an ignorant young man or woman into sexual
sin (fornication) with a real sexual partner to overcome the natural instincts.
Therefore, the sexual spark should neither be quenched nor enflamed out of time
(Song of Songs 2:7). The modifying factor is that since sexuality is a function
of the body, it should not be allowed to dominate the behavior of man or woman.
All sexual behavior must be moderated according to the teaching of the Holy
Scriptures.
Attraction and love
Although they are related topics, attraction
and love are very different things. Attraction is the good feeling about
another person. The other is valued as adding something to the life of the
perceiver. It is potential love to be received. It cannot be put aside as
unimportant. For attraction helps relationship building. However, attraction
might be very deceptive. For love is more than a potential. It is what is
continually being added to the life of others. And it is quite possible to be
attracted to a selfish person, who never consistently adds anything to the life
of anybody else. Therefore, young men or women better set their goal straight
and save themselves for their future partners. It is only when a person has
reached maturity and the ability to commit oneself to another that there is
readiness for marriage and a sexual relationship. If one on the other hand one
offers free sex to another, no payment will fall, and afterwards the other will
go to his friends to boast about another score. In the modern wild west people
believe they have the right to bring down another person and take away his or
her innocence as long as it is possible to get the other person along with the
affair. But to receive real love is more than the consummation of some
temporary attraction in a short affair. Everybody needs a permanent rewarding
relationships with a fixed partner with mutual commitment. Anything else is
exceedingly shortsighted.
The marital vow is a commitment to each other, which
concerns more than the obligation to preserve marital faithfulness in relation
to strangers. It is commitment to love each other throughout the whole life. A
marriage in Christ, i.e. when both are disciples of the Lord, is included under
the commandment that we shall love each other as he has loved us (John 13:34).
It is not a conditional requirement in such way that one part is excluded from
following it, if there should emerge justified or unjustified discontent with
the partner's contribution to the relationship. A marriage in Christ is not a business
deal. Each man and woman in Christ are always responsible to keep his or her
own marital promise, which has been confirmed before God and the public. And
without this public vow, there is indeed no valid marriage with God.
Historically, i.e. also in the Holy Scriptures of the
Bible, arranged marriage has been the common standard. Although marriage out of
emotional love has been greatly celebrated throughout the contemporary world,
arranged marriage is still widely practiced throughout
By this one might realize what goes wrong with the
wild hunt after each other on bars and discotheques. For the feeling of
physical attraction and a fast bodily contact might give a deceptive feeling of
intimacy, which there is no basis for in reality. Afterwards the deception
becomes clear that the two sexual partners have nothing real in common. It is a
fatal error to believe that potential partners have to know each other sexually
before it is possible to decide about a lifelong union in marriage. The advantage
of the arranged marriage is that it takes into account the fitness of the
partners for one another. Therefore, also in individually settled dating, it is
crucial for a couple to get to know one another as persons and check out the
feasibility of the personalities to function together apart from physical
intimacy.
Finally, it is good to bring such decision about a
lifelong commitment before God in prayer, even before having any particular
partner in mind. One should only keep in mind not to think about marriage that
there exist one particular true partner, one is predestined to find. Marriage
is ordained by God, but it is also a human institution, which must be
administered with human wisdom and responsibility.
The union of marriage
Since marriage according to the Holy
Scriptures of the Bible was ordained before the Law of Moses, the institution
has general validity among all the peoples (Concerning the inspiration to the
following I greatly honor Walter Trobisch, I married you, London: Inter Varsity
Press 1972). The validity of a marital vow has nothing to do with religion or
particular ceremonies. Each marriage happens according to a divinely given
institution, which must be recognized of all independent of culture and
religion. The marriage between man and woman is God's principal model of
happiness for each and every people on earth.
A Christian marriage has therefore nothing to do with a
particular blessing or a certain church ritual. It is decided by the agreement
of two partners, who both believe in Christ. Therefore, it is advised not to
unite with an unbelieving partner, if one is a believer (2. Corinthians 6:14a).
The two would draw in different directions in life, and harmony and happiness
might become impossible. However, if one already was married at the time of
receiving Jesus Christ as Lord, one cannot for that reason divorce the
unbelieving partner, unless it is the unbeliever, who demands it (1.
Corinthians 7:12-13). On the other hand if one gets to believe, one cannot live
unmarried together with another. Such union cannot be recognized as a marriage
in Christ. Either one will have to marry
or leave the unlawful partner, before one can receive baptism for the
forgiveness of sins in Christ.
A Christian marriage builds upon the Holy Scriptures of
the Bible, which teaches us that God in the beginning created man and woman the
image of God, and that man was created first and woman next was taken out of
the DNA of man. Therefore, this is the divine ordination concerning marriage:
A man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).
There are two basic elements in this
basic instruction concerning marriage. The first is that a man is expected to
leave his father and mother and the second that he must cling to his wife. This
instruction is, however, given in relation to Hebrew culture. In relation to
the cultural diversity of our age we have to realize the concern that both
husband and wife will have to separate from their families and cling to one
another. Such attitude is already culturally assimilated in the western
countries, but in
There are a few objective criteria
concerning the suitability of a certain person as a marital partner. The Holy
Scriptures strictly prohibits marriage with close relatives. The most common
forms of unlawful incest are sexual relationships between father and daughter,
stepfather and stepdaughter, uncle and niece, and brother and sister (Leviticus
18:6-18. L. N. Ferguson, Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology edited by David G.
Benner,
The lifelong scope of marriage
Before entering into marital union, it is important
that the two engaging persons realize the full scope of the commitment.
Marriage is meant to last for lifetime. It is also meant to be a monogamous
relationship (In Old Testament times polygamy was practiced widespread by the
central characters of the Holy Scriptures. But it should not be overlooked that
the Biblical narratives almost uniformly point out the resulting problems of
perpetual rivalry between half-brothers and the lack of unity in the family).
For Jesus strongly reemphasized the initial statement from the creation
narrative concerning the marital union of two persons:
So they are no longer two, but one.
Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate (Matthew 19:6).
Therefore, the Holy Scriptures of the Bible also
teaches us that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:13-16). For it is the Lord, who
has made the two into one. It is inordinate that a man breaks faith with his
partner, who is the wife of his youth. For the two have developed one life
together and each part has made themselves dependent upon their spouse, not the
least if they have children together. Beware that from the perspective of the
Holy Scriptures it particularly concerns women in a society, in which man was
the stronger part. However, since in our time single women have gained position
and more independent economic power, and in case of divorce often have the
legal right to get custody of the children with forced economic contribution
from the father of the children, the exact same directive is equally valid for
women as for men. A wife cannot be permitted to leave the husband of her youth
except for marital unfaithfulness. The weaker part, left alone in midlife,
whoever it is, is always left in a severely troubled condition. Jesus said:
I tell you that anyone who divorces his
wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress
(Matthew 5:32a).
By this statement Jesus greatly discourages the use of
divorce as an option to solve marital problems. It is not a matter of whether
divorce is culturally permitted or not. For it should be anticipated that the
union of two different persons would give birth to a variety of relational
problems. And overcoming such problems in cooperation is a natural part of
human growth in life. Therefore, separation and divorce should normally be
discouraged. Immediate separation is only recommended in cases of
documented sexual abuse against children, or if there is domestic violence
against the spouse or children, or when one partner is controlled by such kind
of abuse that totally disrupts the life of the family.
The general lesson of the Holy Scriptures is therefore
that before marriage is entered, each partner should come to the conscious
realization that the decision of marriage is for lifetime. Divorce is
particularly prohibited if the direct purpose is to enter another marital
relationship. Jesus said:
Anyone who divorces his wife, except
for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. Matthew
19:9.
But beware that this not is a general prohibition
against any remarriage. The widow or the widower can remarry. The same goes for
divorcees from a partner, who already lives together with another man or woman,
which in fact is the same as adultery. The partner is already counted as dead
according to the Law of Moses. Therefore, it should never be forgotten that a
great number of people are getting abandoned or thrown out against their will.
In still other cases people give up
in their fight against excessive marital problems. In the
It seems like that the New Testament never permit any
form of remarriage. However, this is due to traditional translations of the
Greek manuscripts. Remarriage is indeed permitted by the Apostle Paul, when all
attempts of reconciliation with the previous partner have been fruitless.
According to the NIV translation the Apostle teaches:
Are you married? Do not seek a divorce.
Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not
sinned. 1 Corinthian 7:27b-28a.
In the Greek text the word for "unmarried"
does not relate to a rule for virgins mentioned earlier (v. 25). In fact the
text literally means: "If you have been released from marriage, it is best
not to seek a new spouse, but it is not a sin to do" (B. Ward Powers,
Marriage and Divorce, Petersham, Australia: Jordan Books Ltd 1987, 187-89.).
The basic rule is hereafter that neither man nor woman
should divorce their spouse. And if a couple is separated, they should seek
reconciliation (1 Corinthians 10-11). No permission is given to remarry in the
Lord, if the purpose of the person's divorce was to marry another. (It must
depend on a particular spiritual evaluation, if special grace can be granted to
people, who have lived in sin, but afterwards have repented and trusted the
forgiveness of the Lord). But if the circumstances have made all attempts of
reconciliation impossible, remarriage could eventually be seen as an
alternative to life-long singlehood. Finally, it is greatly discouraged to
allow remarriage of people divorced because of proven sexual child abuse,
habitual domestic violence, or people dominated by destructive alcoholism etc.
The norm for the marital
relationship
Concerning the marital life the Holy
Scriptures also guides the type of relationship, which has to be developed
between husband and wife. According to the creation narrative, woman was made
to give man fellowship (Genesis 2:18). The woman was, therefore, created as
complementary to man in a subordinate relationship. Leadership of a house in
Christ is not to be decided through internal powerstruggles. The male
leadership is by God's choice. Neither is it by superiority of being, or by
superiority in intelligence or power. It is by God's election, and this
position has never been reversed in the Holy Scriptures. It is even affirmed by
the Apostle Paul in unmistakable terms:
Now I want
you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of woman is
man, and the head of Christ is God. 1 Corinthians 11:3.
However, to make the complementary roles more clear to
the parties, the Apostle Paul adds some gender specific instructions:
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the
Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the
church, his body, of which he is the savior. Husbands, love your wives, just as
Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing
her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself
as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy
and blameless. Ephesians (5:21-23 & 5-27).
The first priority of the husband
is, therefore, to secure that his wife walks according to the Teaching of
Christ and not allows herself to be misguided by something evil. In the same
way Jesus Christ prayed for his disciples, it is the duty of the husband to
pray that his wife must be preserved from evil and sanctified by the Word (John
17:15-17). It is dangerous to ignore a clear guideline of the Holy Scriptures
as cultural issue without replacing it with something else. Bertil Nordahl from
Since gender roles is a
controversial topic it is therefore necessary to administer the instruction of
the Holy Scriptures with caution, not at least because of the prevailing
confusion concerning the gender roles. The Apostle does not affirm a male
dominant relationship, where everything in the marriage is decided according to
his liking. The man is indeed expected to lead the family fellowship, not to
use his position to insist on his selfish desires. It is his responsibility to
make the necessary decisions for the family with due regard to the wishes and
needs of his wife and children. It should particularly be noticed that the
teaching of the Apostle Paul already is an application of the Teaching of
Christ. The Lord's commandment that we shall love each other as he has loved
us, is also applicable for the husband and wife in Christ (John 13:34). The
wives are not excluded from the list of whom a Christian man is expected to
love. The husband is commanded to love his wife sacrificially. Therefore,
strong detachment from personal emotions is required of the man.
In the same way the husband is not excluded from the
list of people, which the Lord expects a Christian woman to love sacrificially.
A woman should, however, not submit to any man, only her own husband. But if a
woman lives in constant strife with her husband and twists the clear
instruction of the Holy Scriptures concerning the norm for the home in the
Lord, she is completely unqualified for any entrusted service in the Body of
Christ. And if a woman by chance happens to take the leading role in her house,
she cannot run everything according to her own feelings without regard for her
husband and eventual children. If husbands are called to love their wives with
a sacrificial love, the same goes for wives. The Apostle only suggests that it
is better for a woman to show such sacrificial love through submission. That is
the way a woman most easily can give of herself to the fellowship. As a
relational being it would indeed be hard for a woman to adopt the masculine
position, which requires strong detachment from personal emotions.
If however the relationship is functioning through
love, then any important matter is decided through proper dialogue. A wise man
does not make decisions over the head of his family. It can only lead to
problems, if a man by himself makes far-reaching decisions about service, job,
transfer of house etc. without consulting his family to get its accept. If
there should be problems in the relationship, then the parts must submit to the
necessary discipline to solve them. A useful form of conflict solution consists
in handling one question at a time. If one part is bringing up a complaint, it
must be treated, before the other part brings his or her complaints up. In
aggravated circumstances it can become necessary to treat only one issue per
day. And the part, who refuses to discipline himself/herself to treat one
question at a time, must take the responsibility for the break down of the
relationship.
It should be logic for marital partners in the Lord
that they ought to forgive each other. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like
that. If a spouse doesn't live with a forgiving attitude towards his or her
imperfect partner, then the anger inside slowly grows into hatred or a
bitterness, which the person in the end cannot bear. Jesus Christ, however,
commands his disciples to forgive each other a great number of times (Matthew
18:21-22). To forgive does not simply mean to forget. Any part, who feels hurt
about one thing or another, must first let the emotions fall to rest according
to the recommendation of the Apostle Paul: "In your anger do not sin"
(Ephesians 4:26a). After prayer and the necessary decision to forgive the
spouse the hurt part must at a convenient time bring up the issue with the
other part under peaceful conditions, so that eventual misunderstandings can be
clarified and the counterpart be brought to realize what feels unpleasant by
the spouse. And when something has been corrected and expressively forgiven it
must not be brought up again at a later time. Follow the Apostle Paul's
recommendation not to let the son go down while you are still angry (Ephesians
6:26b).
Unfortunately, there are marriages, in which the one
part continues an unacceptable behavior. It could be the husband or the wife.
It has been suggested that if a man loves a woman, as he should, a woman will
automatically assume her part to respect him. On the contrary, women are daily
bombarded with feminist propaganda from the media, and modern society teaches
women to aggressively follow female objectives. It has also been suggested that
a woman can overcome a dominant husband by showing submission to him. Both are
illusionary expectations. Unfortunately, a relationship only functions
optimally if both parts assume their role in Christ. Still the apparent strong
part ought to go on doing his duty towards the other without removing the correct
expectations towards the failing part. For it was both parts that committed
themselves to each other, when they got married. As it is written:
Carry each other's burdens, and in this
way you will fulfill the Law of Christ; but each one should carry his own load
(Galatians 6:2 & 5).
The sexual act of marriage
Sexual intimacy is a special
private matter between the husband and the wife. It is only the new wild west,
which has turned sex into a spectator sport. The sexual act of marriage meets a
deep human need, and the Creator has made it pleasurable to serve his purpose
that the earth shall be filled with people. Even if it at times might feel less
satisfactory, it is according to the Holy Scriptures a mutual duty to meet each
other's sexual needs (1 Corinthians 7:3-4). But sexuality is far from the
physical performance, which it has been made into in the minds of
materialistically oriented people. It should not be forgotten that the sexual
union concerns the whole human being. Many couples have experienced that there
is no satisfaction in physical intimacy, when the partners live emotionally
separated because of conflicts. Sex is a bad form of conflict solution. A lack
of loving interest in the partner greatly reduces sexual pleasure. On the contrary
loving feeling towards one another is the key to a good sexual experience.
Therefore, besides the physical closeness, the development of an intimate
knowledge of each other's thoughts, feelings and experiences play a significant
role in the experience of the sexual union. Therefore, even a good sexual
relationship could hardly compensate a lack of true loving fellowship between
the partners in their daily life together. It might indeed rather be the daily
loving fellowship, which explains the good sexual life in such case. For that
reason it is also not good to take each other's bodies for granted. The common
enjoyment of the sexual intercourse is best experienced after having spent some
precious time together (According to Masters and Johnson sexual intercourse as
a general pattern consists of four phases of sexual response: Excitement,
plateau, orgasm and resolution. S. L.
Jones, Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, edited by David G. Benner,
Summary
Man and woman are equally made in the image of God,
but each with a distinct, different gender. Since the genders are complimentary
and each fundamental for human life, both men and women should develop a
wholesome attitude, both towards his or her own gender, but also towards the
gender of the opposite sex. For a child to develop healthy gender related
self-esteem, correct gender identification is important. For masculine or
feminine behavior is already learned from experience, words and modeling at an
early stage in life. To develop optimally a child needs to be able to relate to
both a loving father and mother.
The sexual development of the body
happens in the puberty. And at his stage of life, education about sexuality and
marriage is a concern for both responsible adults and the children in
development. Young people should be warned about going out into the new wild
west, where to take away the innocence of
a young person is counted for nothing. Therefore, young men or women
better set their goal strait and save themselves for their future partners.
When a young man or woman has matured to understand that love primarily
consists of giving, not taking, the opportunity to enter a mutually committed
relationship in marriage opens up.
Marriage is instituted by God, but it is also a human
institution, which must be administered with wisdom and responsibility.
Although God occasionally might bring a couple together, it is unwise to
speculate in the one and only, who fits in all ways. In stead potential
partners should be introduced properly to each other, so that it becomes clear
what each one wants with his and her life. Arranged marriages might for such
reason be a much better solution than the hunt for the opposite sex on bars and
discotheques. Before a man and a woman enter a deeper relationship, it is wise
to check out if the personalities in all ways are both emotionally and
practically fit for each other. The ability to bond can only be decided through
meeting each other to check out everything, and it is discouraged to enter into
a committed relationship with another, who doesn't fit one's taste. Since
marriage is designed to last for lifetime, such scope must be consciously taken
into consideration before the marital commitment. An eventual divorce should
never be kept in the back of the mind as a mean to solve eventual marital
problems.
Since marriage according to the Holy
Scriptures of the Bible was ordained before the Law of Moses, the institution
has general validity among all the peoples. The validity of a marital vow has
nothing to do with religion or particular ceremonies. Each marriage happens
according to a divinely given institution, which must be recognized of all
independent of culture and religion. The marriage between man and woman is
God's principal model of happiness for each and every people on earth. A
marriage in Christ has therefore nothing to do with a particular blessing or a
certain church ritual. It is decided by the agreement of two partners, who both
believe in Christ and therefore are committed to observe his Teaching. The
basic requirement for a marriage in Christ is for the new couple to separate
themselves from their respective blood relatives to develop as a totally new
unit. The husband is ordained by God to lead the family with due concern for
needs and wishes of his wife and children. But both husband and wife are
expected to love each other sacrificially to fulfill the Law of Christ.
Finally, the sexual union is the great blessing of a good marriage. But its
best fruits are harvested, if a stable and genuine loving relationship is
developed between the partners.